The Old Fashioned Date – an opportunity for practice and for service


This post is to my dear young friends that I  have been so privileged to teach. And though my primary audience is my students at BYU-Idaho, I hope some of these thoughts might be helpful to others. For those who do not share my faith, some background on why families are important, guidelines for dating, and commitments to the laws of chastity and fidelity will help you understand this piece.

Because our world has become so sexually charged, and because personal devices have made social situations awkward, and because getting married is so important in our culture (that it causes extreme anxiety in some of my students), I want to speak in favor of the old-fashioned date.

By this, I mean an inexpensive social outing in which you get to know a member of the opposite sex for a period of a few hours and one in which there is no expectation of physical intimacy nor is there expectation of life-long commitment. The point of the old-fashioned date is to get acquainted with others so that you can know for certain which personality traits work with yours and which don’t.

Another part of the date is the expectation that it is paired off (see note # 1). It should be just your date and you. Don’t invite a bunch of your closest friends along while you text them a play-by-play, or update all of your social media sites. There will be plenty of time for updates afterwards. Be present. Enjoy the moment. Give your date the gift of your company for a few hours. Practicing this rule will bless  your life for years to come!

If you date a variety of individuals (without the expectation of physical intimacy) you will be able to see the characters of the people you date. You will see which personalities you get along with and the attributes that you don’t care for. If you only date people that you are physically attracted to, and push physical intimacy too quickly, that dependence on physical gratification might mask some character flaws that would not work well with your personality. And as wonderful as sexual intimacy is in marriage, it is only a small part of marriage, and life (contrary to what the world’s fascination with sexuality teaches). It is important that the foundation of friendship, spirituality, humor, service,  hard work, etc, etc. is a major part of your choice to ultimately marry.

To my dear young brothers, yes, the expectation of dating is on your shoulders, by culture and by revelation. I once had a young seminary student who said, “Why would I want to waste money on someone elses’ wife?” My answer to him, and to you is that you may not get a wife unless you have practiced the simple social skill of dating!

Please understand, young men, that by dating, you are practicing caring for a woman. You are showing that you are able to provide and protect her for the time that you are in her company. You are responsible for her safety and well-being: spiritually, mentally, socially and emotionally. The more you practice, the more you will be able to care for your future wife and children.

I also encourage you to look at dating as a service that you are performing for these young women. You’re giving them the chance to practice their social skills and responsibilities in turn. You are allowing these young women to feel that they are acceptable enough for someone to want to be with them (please see # 2) and, by practicing, you are also serving your future wives and daughters. Not all dating will lead to marriage. But healthy and wholesome dating will lead to treasured memories and friendships and the ability to have normal and natural platonic (i.e. love or friendship that is intimate and affectionate but not sexual) social connections that will serve you well into the future. You must learn to have these platonic relationships so that you can work with, and live in communities with, and serve in wards with members of the opposite sex now and in the future.

To my dear young sisters, please allow these young men to serve you. Saying yes to a date or to a dance that lasts for three or four minutes doesn’t mean an eternal commitment! I just talked to a young man the other day (an amazing, brilliant, spiritual brother) who confided in me that the last three or four times he has asked a woman out, she has said “no”. I was totally flabbergasted, completely gobsmaked!!!! (A British phrase meaning – surprised and utterly astonished.)

Yes, sisters, we live in a bright age in which we are able to do many wonderful and amazing things for which I am truly thankful. However, just because we can open a door for ourselves doesn’t mean that we should. If you are training men not to serve you, then in the future, you will do everything yourself (which, though you have the ability, can be quite difficult when you juggle in babies, work, school and all the other wonderful demands that the world tells you that you can do perfectly.  Just a note. As amazing and brilliant as women are, the reality is that it is quite impossible to do it all perfectly! )

When you allow others to serve you, you are also serving them. Remember that the Savior, the greatest of all, served others, and it was for those others to allow Him serve them (see John 13). So, serve the future girls they date and their future wives by allowing them to practice social skills on you. And serve your future husbands by learning how to communicate, serve, and socialize with men. Of course, follow promptings if your gut tells you that something is wrong! However, if you must say no, please make it the exception rather than the rule. As I stated before, one or two dates doesn’t mean an intense or eternal commitment.

For those sisters who are not being dated. You are wonderful and brilliant! Please continue to make time in your schedule for social activities to continue to practice making and developing friendships. Also, if the men aren’t asking you out, it’s okay to  take the initiative and invite them to be with you on occasion. Here’s an idea, something that my friends and I did in our ward at BYU to invite the men out and to encourage reciprocal (i.e.- done in return) dates, we created, “The Date of The Month”. Each month we would plan out a fun group dating activity, for example, in December, we went to the Christmas Choir Concert on campus and then we went back to our apartment and had a gingerbread house making contest in which each couple would work together to decorate a pre-made graham cracker house.  Monthly, we would create a series of activities that would allow us to work with and talk with the person that we invited, but the dates were also simple, and comfortable because they included other couples.

To both my dear sisters and brothers who are so focused on your studies or your career that you don’t make time to practice these important skills (dating, socializing, serving, and caring for others) then you may not have the skills necessary to be able to have the blessing of family. Please consecrate (i.e. to set something aside for a sacred purpose) time in your busy schedules to date and socialize. Serve your future families now by making the effort to practice. Please learn the skill of making time for your family right now.

I know that it can be scary to put yourselves out there. But remember that creating families is a faith-based work! Ask the Lord to help you in your dating. If you sacrifice time and means for this important work, He can help and bless you. Ask the Lord to inspire you with ideas about whom to ask and what to do. Pray for the Holy Spirit to be part of your dates. Be brave like a student of mine who just asked a girl on a casual date. I loved that he invited her out and communicated that phrase (a casual date) to help take the pressure off. I know you can do this! Father in Heaven didn’t send you down on earth at this important time to fail in the sacred work of building families. Start today. Ask someone that you feel comfortable with on an old-fashioned date and begin now to practice and to serve!



  1. About being paired off – remember that I am talking to single adults, not teenagers. Teenagers, please see the guidelines in For the Strength of Youth on Dating.
  2. In this statement, I mean this – women are very hard on themselves and a date goes a long way to help with that! Often, when I was single, I would pray in loneliness and Father would raise up a kind young man who (I believe) would feel prompted to take me out. I have such genuine gratitude for the men that dated me, and for such happy memories of our times together on dates (fun and spiritual conversations, laughter, and good activities) before I met and married my husband.

Old and Poor

I just read an article today (a talk by then Bishop Vaughn J Featherstone, given in 1974) that gnawed at my soul. It was about caring for the aged and the poor. I will share two quotes from it today. I will try to link back if possible.

He opened with a quote from a series of Wall Street Journal Articles that discussed these problems. One really struck me and I absolutely have a testimony of its truthfulness.

“The poor never saved for rainy days because it rained every day of their lives.” (Nov. 15, 1972, p. 1.)

The second was more upbeat, because it discussed the power that can come if we change our attitude and vocabulary.

Stephen Horn, the president of California State University at Long Beach, said, “It is time we revised our concept of the ‘old’ to ‘long-living’ and accented not the declining powers of aging but the rising knowledge and experience that results from a long life.”

It’s absolutely amazing that this church offers so much for the retired to do – missions, temple work, family history, callings.

A friend who just passed away was in a wheelchair and on oxygen. She kept herself busy everyday doing humanitarian aid sewing projects, serving others and indexing (20,000 names in just a year or so).

Just something to think about this Sabbath, maybe brought on from the recent passing of my Dad which I will write about soon. Hug those that are close, especially those parents that you think will always be there.

I know the quotes are dated, but still very true.


By the sweat of the brow


I’ve been thinking about work lately. Why is it that I can’t just enjoy my labors for a while? I do dishes and the sink is full, laundry is never done, weeds grow back within the week, just prepared one meal and it’s time to work on the next.

What does Father want me to learn through the monotony?

I asked a friend that, and she said, “Well, He had to keep us busy with something down here, otherwise we’ll get into trouble.” 🙂

I would spend my days creating if I could … writing, crafting, projects, etc. It’s work, but not the monotonous kind.

I just finished watching an episode of Hoarders a show on A&E in which a woman’s house was cleaned out.  She hadn’t thrown away anything in ten years.  As the workers cleared away the piles of rotting trash with shovels, she sat on her porch, never lifting a finger (except to look through the pile and pick out a few “treasures”).  Now, I understand that hoarding is a mental illness, and I am not putting down anyone with this problem.  I was just shocked that she sat, while others did her work.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave a talk in General Conference, fall 2010 entitled, Reflections of a Consecrated Life in which he talked about the importance of work.  He said:

A consecrated life is a life of labor. Beginning early in His life, Jesus was about His Father’s business (see Luke 2:48–49). God Himself is glorified by His work of bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children (see Moses 1:39). We naturally desire to participate with Him in His work, and in so doing, we ought to recognize that all honest work is the work of God. In the words of Thomas Carlyle: “All true Work is sacred; in all true Work, were it but true hand-labour, there is something of divineness. Labour, wide as the Earth, has its summit in Heaven.” 3

God has designed this mortal existence to require nearly constant exertion. I recall the Prophet Joseph Smith’s simple statement: “By continuous labor [we] were enabled to get a comfortable maintenance” (Joseph Smith—History 1:55). By work we sustain and enrich life. It enables us to survive the disappointments and tragedies of the mortal experience. Hard-earned achievement brings a sense of self-worth. Work builds and refines character, creates beauty, and is the instrument of our service to one another and to God. A consecrated life is filled with work, sometimes repetitive, sometimes menial, sometimes unappreciated but always work that improves, orders, sustains, lifts, ministers, aspires.

I guess that answers my question! What do I learn learn through work?

  • To sustain and enrich life,
  • helps us to survive the disappointments and tragedies of the mortal experience
  • brings a sense of self-worth
  • builds and refines character,
  • creates beauty,
  • and is the instrument of our service to one another and to God.

The Spirituality of Service

Healing at the Pool of Bethesda, Carl Bloch, 1883

In a lesson on Sunday, the teacher talked about service and then referenced a talk by Elder Derek A. Cuthbert entitled, “The Spirituality of Service” (Ensign, May 1990, 12) from which I will draw some ideas and the title of this post.

The main premise of the talk is this –

The Lord’s work is spiritual work. It relates to changing lives, developing true values, and overcoming worldly influences.

Service changes people. It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us. It gets us looking outward instead of inward. It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own. Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as the Savior showed.

Elder Cuthbert listed ten ways in which service increases spirituality;

  • Service helps us establish true values and priorities by distinguishing between the worth of material things that pass, and those things of lasting, even eternal, value.
  • Service helps us establish a righteous tradition. I think that this is vital in the age of affluence that we live in.  Youth and children need to learn that self-indulgence is the oldest path to destruction.
  • Service helps us overcome selfishness and sin. “We have turned every one to his own way.” (Isa. 53:6.) In modern parlance, they “did their own thing,” whatever the adverse effect upon others.
  • Service helps to recompense for sin. The prophet Ezekiel explained this when he declared, “None of his sins that he hath committed shall be mentioned unto him: he hath done that which is lawful and right.” (Ezek. 33:16.) Again, James taught that to “save a soul … shall hide a multitude of sins.” (James 5:20.) We can express regret and feel remorse for things done wrong, but full repentance should include recompense, such as service gives.
  • Service helps us generate love and appreciation.
  • Service is the principal way of showing gratitude to the Savior. “Inasmuch as [we] have done it unto one of the least of these [his] brethren, [we] have done it unto [Him].” (Matt. 25:40.)
  • Service channels our desires and energies into righteous activity.“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness.” (D&C 58:26–27).
  • Service helps us cleanse ourselves and become purified and sanctified.
  • Charitable service helps us do as the Savior did. “I am among you as he that serveth” (Luke 22:27), and again, “For I will raise up unto myself a pure people, that will serve me in righteousness” (D&C 100:16).
  • Service helps us to get to know the Savior, for “how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served?” (Mosiah 5:13)

A Confession –

I’ve always had a problem with traditional service.  Since I was a young girl, wonderful youth leaders set up “service opportunities” that were difficult for me.  On my mission, there were times that I felt guilty if I didn’t go tracting (going door-to-door to find persons interested in our message).  I listen to discussions on “community action” and “friends for change” and I shudder.

Then I feel guilty that I am not “healing the world”, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, giving the shirt off my back, or caring the way that others feel that I should be caring and pitching in.

But maybe, that’s because I wasn’t made for that kind of service.

Please understand me, I believe that all people should learn to serve, but I wonder sometimes, if our service is the right kind – the kind that the Lord would have us give.

A Mini Parable –

Tonight, I was preparing dinner.  My five-year-old wanted to help.  I got out some beautiful paper dolls and asked her to play with her two-year-old sister.  That would help me immensely as I got the rest of the dinner ready.

No, no, she wanted to set the table, and insisted on getting the china plates out herself.

But, I had made soup.

All I needed, the thing that would give me the most help, would be for her to play with her sister, so I could take care of everything else.

The role that I asked her to fill was one that fit her capabilities, would develop her talents, would help her learn to love her sister more, and would bless me by helping keep both of them happily occupied so that I could finish my work.

So, by not doing what I asked, she caused more work for me – I had to clean up the plates, re-set the table, comfort her sister, keep them both occupied, and, you guessed it, clean up the paper dolls.

Thoughts on Serving in the Lord’s way –

Several months ago we were singing, Because I Have Been Given Much, Hymn #219 and the phrase,  I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see, caught my attention.  Again, the guilt (as previously mentioned) set in –  I don’t go to the homeless shelter, we have very little money, I don’t have time to volunteer, thoughts ran through my head.

Then it occurred to me to think about the gifts that the Lord did give me, and whether or not I was sharing them.  A happy heart, smiles, faith, gospel knowledge, kindness, love. Yes, I had been sharing those.  Not perfectly, but I’ve tried.

The Savior said;  Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. (John 15:4-5)

If I start to find out what the Lord would have me do to serve, utilizing my talents (which I am commanded to develop – D&C 60:13) and the abilities (time, resources, etc) that are at my disposal.  In this way I will not run faster than [I have] strength (Mosiah 4:27).

How do I find out what I need to do?  I pray.

For prayers to be efficacious, they must be in harmony with the plan of heaven. The prayer of faith bears fruit when such harmony exists, and this harmony exists when prayers are inspired by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit manifests what our petitions should be. 21 Absent this inspired guidance, we are inclined to “ask amiss,” 22 to seek only our will and not “Thy will.”23 (Bishop McMullin, Our Path of Duty, April 3, 2010)

In this way, I am doing the work that the Lord needs done, and it will bless both me, and those that I am prompted to serve.

When priesthood authority is exercised properly, priesthood bearers do what He would do if He were present.  (President Boyd K. Packer, The Power of the Priesthood, April 3, 2010).

I can’t do it all, but I can do some things well –

A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important.  A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.  (Sister Beck, And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit”, April 3, 2010)

I think it begins when I realize that there are times and seasons to do different types of service.

When I was a single seminary teacher, I was able to go to the Temple weekly.  Now, as a part time working wife and mother of two, I hardly have time to go to the temple.  But my service, those I’ve been called on to love and care for, are my husband and daughters.

I promised the Lord, that even when the service is hard, and even when I’m tired and don’t get a lot of “me time”, that I would find ways to give Christ-like love to them.  I promised to make my home a safe-haven, so that they can become beings of love and service as well.

As my children grow older, as circumstances in life improve, as I have more to give, I can go to the Lord and ask for more assignments.

Jesus Christ healed the sick because He had the power to do so.  He taught because He had studied the gospel, knew the revelations and was given the commission to teach.  He performed the Atonement and Resurrection because He was the only uniquely qualified Being to do that imperative work.  He understood His calling, prepared Himself and finished the work that He was called to do.

So maybe, I should find out what I need to do for Him and do it, realizing that (though it may not be what I think is necessary)  it will be unique and vital for me and it will serve His eternal purposes.

Embrace the Believers

I read an article the other day about a man who does good.  However, instead of celebrating the good that he does in the world, I looked for ways to knock him down, because I don’t like his politics.

I’m not proud of that.

Though we may differ on how or why we do service for others, the point is that there is “sorrow that the eye can’t see” everywhere on this earth.  I should be glad when someone reaches out to ease others’ burdens.  Even if that person is a Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37).

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood,”  our quarrel is against Satan, and against “spiritual wickedness” (Ephesians 6:12).

Those who live according to religion should embrace others who also live their lives according to a moral code.  This is especially true with those who are Christian.

Though we may differ on points of doctrine, we can agree on the supernal truths centered around the Savior of this world, Jesus Christ.  Those doctrines should help us unify in love and gratitude for goodness, wherever we can find it in this modern world.